Yee’s

你為何而來？你來多久？帶多少錢來？你是越南人嗎？
才剛走進機場，海關的詰問讓回想起所謂種族歧視這件事。
其實也不太怪他對於亞洲獨行年輕女子的害怕
但當下說不出樓管怎麼翻成英文就很不小心把前職業customer services說了出來（其實應該說retail store manager)
也只能笑笑的在他快要拒絕我入境的那刻提起
嘿嘿，我有回程機票喔，你要看嗎？

海關鬆了一口氣的臉讓我覺得很幽默
親愛的大大，我對留在大英帝國真的一點興趣都沒有。
我只不過是個失業的女子想浪跡天涯而已。

時序回到今年的春天，回到台灣的那個時候，可能是珍奶、鹹酥雞還有滷肉飯吧
我覺得自己過得很自在，都忘了自我認同、種族這回事
接著開始在工作忙碌的狀態下，遺忘最重要的命題

我是誰？

進入阿米斯國的那天，我突然再次意識到自己其實是個身份的迷失者
不能避免地感覺到某種所謂歸屬感的格格不入，在那樣的環境裡其實我是慚愧的
身為一個不知根者的徬徨，在充滿文化符碼與認同的地方感到惴惴不安

所謂的入境詰問，不論是入境阿米斯國或大英帝國
我其實都回答不出個所以然來
只能冒冒失失地說一個名為故鄉的地方，但其實自己也不曉得那樣的地方是如何成為認同所在。

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Why you here? How long are you going to stay? How much cash do you bring and are you Vietnams?

I reminded the terms of racism, after those question pouring down when I stood in front of the custom.

However, it couldn’t count the credit on him, I totally understand those fears of the danger of young solo Asian woman traveller.

Worst part came when he asked me about my occupation, by then my mind wasn’t functioning well, thanks for the flu, I surprisedly answered “ customer services”, which my previous position ( it should be retail store manager actually) was, instead of telling him I was an operating executive in the famous department called eslite spectrum.

Alarm screaming, I knew right after my absolute wrong answer. I could tell he want to refuse my entry. At that moment, I showed him my return ticket to get everything back on track. The face of relief was so hilarious that I wish I could take a picture of that.

My dear English friend, I have no desire standing on your land for good.

I’m just a young traveller who want to take some adventure to somewhere unknown.

/

Time flashed back by the time I landed back in Taiwan. I felt so “ home” that I stopped asking myself the ultimate question.

WHO AM I ?

When I went to Amis music festival, all those aboriginal friends wearing their own tribal clothes, singing and talking with their OWN language.

I felt shamed, shamed of not knowing who I am. I have no idea about myself. Am I an Han? Or am I an Taiwanese? Even, am I me? There’s nothing I can identify myself and the question came up again.

The anxiety and confusion I have, make me speechless while people asked me about self-identification problem. I could say something generally but the truth is I don’t know.

I really don’t know. But the point is, can you accept that?