Yee’s

10 年／10 Years.

16歲的我想像的10年後的自己是一個正在實習的諮商師，那是我幫自己預訂好的路。但在走在這條路的半道上不知是哪一個決定做的不同，以致現在的自己和那時候想像的完全不同。

我一直在想是哪裡出錯了，到底在哪個環節螺絲釘悄聲無息的不見了呢？是在哪一個瞬間做了錯誤的決定，以致於一步錯步步錯？是否在每一個錯誤決定做成的時候，我都沒有嘗試處理他們，以致於現在的自己面目全非？

我想知道是從哪裡開始的。

於是我想開始寫自己的故事，從頭開始，我想細細地檢視那些大大小小的傷痕，那些快樂和不快樂，是否是缺席的父親造成我渴望得到認同的心情？是否是不善表達自我的母親導致我多疑的個性？是否是高中的霸凌讓我急欲展現自己？是否是就只是我，造成一切都不在軌道上？

我想知道是從哪裡出錯的。

母親在我生命中缺席10年了，那是從少女時代作為頂級女團到現在twice成為與其並駕齊驅的時間。在我們有限的時光裡，我常跟她分享自己的事，每一次的分享，我每一次都在成長。但自從她離開以後，我有好長一段時間再也不做這件事情了。

於是，在她離開屆滿十年之前，我想説一個很長的故事，一個細數我們在一起的那16年，一個報告她缺席的10年的故事。

我想從惡夢開始，16歲以前的我，就是一個特別愛做夢的人。

I dreamt to be a phycological consultant when I was 16. In my plan back then, I should be an intern in any institution right now, however, the truth is I am totally on a very different way. I don’t know what made me off the road i’ve planned. Maybe there’s a tiny mistake i made and everything fell like a domino. Or maybe I did notice those bad dicisions but I chose to ignore.

I desperatly want to know the reason.

As a result, I want to do a confession, or let’s say “revealing my past". Perhaps I will find out clues hidden in every pain i’ve suffered, the reasons behind my childhood trauma, or just simply me, biological facts that built up the person I am now.

I truly want to know when, when everything gone wrong.

My mother, who has passed for 10 years by the end of this year. She used to be the best friend of mine, She was the best listener in the entire world. I used to feel fresh and strong everyday because we had frequent deep conversations about ourselves (however she barely shared with me, mostly with the holy father). Those talk made me became better even better days after days. However, after she died, I no longer talked to anyone, even myself.

I sincerely want to be the one who i would respect back in age 16.

So, after 10 years of lacking introspection, I want to start telling my story, a story that my mom already known and the story she could never heard.

It start with those nightmares, those bad dreams waking me up at night, hunting me during day time.