Yee’s

最近臺北女子圖鑑成了大家閒聊的主題，於是我在看完第一集的五分鐘後，實在忍不住，點開歌單裡的seoul here，開始寫些什麼。

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我想了一想，好像有很多很多話想說，但那些話無法在一個瞬間被梳理開來。就像是小時候頭髮打結，硬是要梳開的話，那就是拔下一坨已經成球的亂髮，那些結還沒等待打開就已經被取下，就跟現在的文字一樣。可是我好急，好想說，好想把內心那一團酸澀的情緒寫下來，好想對18歲的自己說說，好想對28歲的自己說，好想對臺北說

18歲開始在臺北生活，但我不覺得自己是來了臺北，我覺得自己是去了文山。臺北是台大公館、臺北是信義新天地，臺北是西門町，臺北是東區夜店，而文山絕對不是臺北。18歲的臺北不在我的生活裡，我雖然來到這裡，但不覺得自己活在這裡。我相信臺北是五光十色、是杯觥交錯，是紳裝白領，而我只是一個在指南山腳下的大學生。

記得自己會怕被嘲笑是外地人，尤其是「只有外地人會說臺北車站叫北車」而小心翼翼用詞，也記得自己的羞愧，因為發現怎麼每個人的閱歷都相當豐富，而自己只是一個會讀教課書的蠢笨土包子。我覺得這裡的人們，臺北的人們，有著鮮活的顏色，我還是一張白色的紙，努力地想幫自己上色。

25歲的時候開始了社畜生涯，我曾經相信的臺北成為了生活，但那些鮮活的個性卻少了些彩度。日出日落，黑夜白天，我穿梭在這個城市，跟著幾萬人一起呼吸著，移動著。這時候我成為了臺北渺小的一部分，不知道為了什麼而活，但這個城市推動著我，他帶著帳單、帶著成熟，帶著現實與未來推著我前進，挑起我的慾望、憤怒與失望。當我在拂曉之時騎著自行車回家的路上，微冷的風拂面，看著有些人已經起來運動了，我揚起頭給了自己一個微笑，試圖把徹夜的疲憊留在過去。

十年過去，我還生活在這裡，慢慢地把過去的顏色刷掉，想回到白色的自己。臺北不再是台北，而是臺北。我還是跟過去一樣，只是早晨騎著機車橫跨忠孝橋，順著車流，在賤民大道上橫跨大半個城市，成為自己小時候想成為的人。

我想我依舊沒辦法也不可能能稱自己為臺北人，但當自己大略可以不用google map知道路該怎麼走的時候，我或許也已經是這裡的人。

我經過那水泥叢林，也附和著市井小販，我看見高樓拔地而起，也凝視著歷史屹立不搖，臺北就是一個生活的地方，這個名詞越來越透明，他正在緩緩地不再帶著太多的重量與情緒。

我習慣著討論這裡的政治和生活的瑣碎，每天每天

It’s been an huge topic on social media that drama “women in Taipei" has become a controversial issue, people said it’s stereotyping the city, the women living there. So I got curious, I wanted to know how bad it is, therefore I turned on Disney+ and started episode one. To be honest, I turned it off just after 5 minutes, not because of drama itself, it’s about me, a woman who has been living in this city for a decade, I have my story to tell, an emotional story. I couldn’t help but stopped the drama, I thought there’s something urgent should be written down.

There’re too much I could say, but those feelings, those words couldn’t be expressed properly in such short time. If I did it anyhow, it would be like the twisted hair been brushed without patiently, the hair would be taken off but the twist still exist. I knew it’s not the right time to tell, but I’m so eager to say, I want to brush it out anyway, I want to talk to myself in aged 18, in aged 28, I want to speak with this city, whispering my story.

When I first got here, which in my age of 18, I came here for collage. At that time, I didn’t get the idea that I started my life here, TAIPEI, I believed Taipei are those modern shopping malls in Xinyi district, I thought Taipei are those bars around NTU, night clubs located in east district, KTV’s and movies in Ximen. Wenshan, where my collage is, couldn’t convince myself it match my fantasy of Taipei, it’s because I thought Taipei is a city with glamouring lights, with suit and tie, with bars and parties, with Skyscrapers. However, wenshan is everything but that, and I, a fresh off the boat, wan’t hit any of the checkbox either, I wasn’t belong here.

I still remember how cautiously I pick my words at that time in case of being mucked by acting like a rustic girl. Take a quick example, people can be easily sorted in native by how they call Taipei railway station. The “Taipeiness" will never abbreviate it as “Taistaiton", they will indicate it as railway station and act wired while others say Taisation . I can also feel the same self-abased at the time I realized my native friends were so informed on every topic, they’re talking feminism, debating living justice and everything about social movement . They’re familiar with underground bands, tasting wine and cocktails, dressing fashioned, they’re colored, as my point of view. Instead I was like a blanc paper without any shades, acting naive and ignorant. Therefore I started tracing, tracing to be one of them, I was trying to be colored.

Few years later, I changed my role as a fresh employee in this city, the Taipei once I believed become reality. Everyday, I squeezed myself into metro cases, breathing with hounders and thousands of people. Taipei was as colorful as I thought, but it’s getting a bit dark. The city brought me go on and on, it brought me with reality and future, with bills and others. I tasted the desire, depression and anger which all come in once. I felt grateful, anxiety, tiredness and meaningless at the same time. I remember all those fresh morning, when I rode bike back home after working all night, I saw people had already gotten up for morning exercise. I would give myself a smile, trying to leave my tiredness back last night. I thought I was still an outsider, just being swallowed by this city. I was lost.

Ten years later, I am still here. I start working on brushing myself back white again. Taipei isn’t Taipei anymore, but I am still the same, riding motorbiking crossing zhongxiao bridge, following the traffic on CivicBlvd, aka parish boulevard, crossing over the city to become the one I wish to be as child.

I still don’t defined myself as a “taipeiness", and I will never be able to do it, however, when I can name the roads here without hasitate, when I am capable of figuring out the route for most location correctly, even though I’m not that sure. I have to admit that I’m not outsider, already.

I have passed the urban jungle, walked through rundown place. I’ve seen metropolis grow, I’ve also witness the history stands still. Taipei is a place for living, it start getting transparent, getting less emotion.

After all, I get used to talk about the politic and everything minor day after day, as everybody else.