我覺得在不同的場合就需要有不同的樣貌，說難聽的話就是「見人說人話，見鬼說鬼話」，說好聽就是社會化、「上班好同事，下班不認識」。我設定了一個界線，在工作場合認識的人很難踏進我的私人領域裡，同時朋友也不會是工作夥伴，甚至在不同的工作場合裡我會有不一樣的面貌。每天每天，我會幫自己設定今天應該要的樣子，調整各項設定值，像是幽默、樂觀、聰明、責任感、強勢、學識以及價值觀等各項設定，讓自己適合當天的樣子。
在作為一個辦公室忙內的角色，我把自己的幽默、樂觀與責任感調高，價值觀放到中間偏低，強勢則調成最弱（雖然大家還是覺得我氣場很強，但其實我沒有那麼堅持），我希望自己是個有趣而負責任，具有包容感的人。
在作為一個旅行者，我把幽默跟學識調成最高，價值觀跟責任感近乎於零。我不需要對在旅行中的人負責，遇到的人有怎樣的價值我也不在乎，因為我們都是彼此生命中的過客。但在這個身份裡，為了能遇到更多的人我需要讓自己幽默，也為了能應付各種情形，需要讓自己的知識庫全部打開。
在作為一個普通朋友，我會給別人風趣、守時且不食言的樣子。在作為稍微深交一些的朋友，就會看到我自由任性、放蕩不羈的那一面，而最親近的朋友，則可能看到我歡快之中的不安、憂慮與孤獨。
作為一個室友，我就是一個毛病很多，看什麼都不順眼的瘋子。
我記得我從小就有這樣的「症頭」，13歲的時候跟朋友吵了架，因為自己在那段友情裡的設定而傷痕累累。我對著媽媽哭說自己不知道怎麼了，好像在不同的場景裡我就會戴上不一樣的面具，我有好多的樣子，而到底自己是誰卻不得而知，我真的好困惑自己是誰。
界線，是我接受自己多樣的方式。我充分理解各種角色需要的設定與他們的不同，為了避免各個角色設定有衝突而設計了界線，讓每個角色都能夠發揮所長，所以同時我也很難跨越這個界線。
而最近剛好發生了兩個界線跨越事件。
在作為監考人員時我會讓自己的活潑度降到最低，變成一個嚴肅且不多話的樣子，這跟平常在機關工作的忙內樣貌相當不同。而前兩天一個新近人員的到來，讓我這兩個角色相遇。
一個年紀很輕的新進人員來到辦公室詢問了一些問題，她禮貌而可愛的提問，讓我用比平常又再更為親切風趣的方式地解決她的疑惑，而即將離開辦公室之前她問了我一個問題，讓一切變得詭譎了起來。
「妳……是OOO考試的監考老師嗎？」
我支支吾吾的詢問幾個事實，接著記憶隨著答案漸漸拼湊起來，想起她的確曾是曾經我監場的考生。除了十分驚訝她的記憶力很好以外，也對這樣衝突的兩個自我角色相遇感到十分慌張。那當下我真的不知道自己應該要用怎樣的面貌應對她。既回不去嚴肅寡言的形象，持續親切陽光的熱烈樣貌也很奇怪，就好像一個看起來保守的模範生被發現居然會去夜店狂歡一樣。
這個跨越界線導致的尷尬還算好處理，好好的解釋一下，甚至也不需要解釋，畢竟都是工作上的角色，在社會走跳的人都懂。但當工作角色與至親朋友角色界線被模糊，甚至即將跨界時，那才是真正的不知所挫。
辦公室朋今天問了我一個偏向至親好友的問題，她問我有關母親死亡的問題。她問我面對媽媽離開的時候，是否有困惑？是否不知道這世界這麼大應該要去哪裡？
這是一個跨越界線的問題。我們不是可以分享孤獨課題的關係，但這個問題也無法用幽默的辦公室形象應對。她問話的當下我正在把玩她的塑膠袋，我沒有停下折塑膠袋的動作，持續把一張張塑膠袋對折再對折、排出空氣，再折成小小的三角形的動作。
她的問題跟我的行為在那個瞬間穿越了時空，回到了16歲媽媽死亡後的那一個月，徬徨疲憊的青少女在那個時候也是這樣折著塑膠袋。所以我遲疑了一下沒有立刻回答她，只是看了她的眼睛，看到這個提問的真誠，看到她正在跨越我的界線，同事與至親朋友的那個界線。
「我沒有時間想這個問題，那時候很忙。……，這個問題到大學畢業的時候才出現，所以我旅行。」我把已經湧在心頭的所有情緒努力壓下，努力讓自己的回答像是一貫面對同事、普通朋友那樣，但很顯然成效不彰。
我想她應該看到了我的另外一個設定值，畢竟界線在那個瞬間模糊了，可是我還是沒有辦法因為這個問題讓她跨到界線的另一頭，並且對於這樣的狀況感到十分挫折與失望，失望自己迴避了她的真誠，失望自己的界線。因為實際上她已經具備了跨越到界線另一頭的所有資格，但我因為不想失去正常的同事關係、甚至可以作為普通朋友的關係，所以在那個當下啞然。
我劃下了界線，為了區分不同形象的自己，也是為了接受各種樣貌的自己，但同樣讓別人永遠無法進到我的內心世界，包含了平時的我也進不去。偶爾，就像是朋的問話模糊了界線這樣的偶發事件，我才有機會進到我的內心世界去溜搭。
溜搭了一圈之後，我寫下了這一篇文字。傳給了一個近乎至親的朋友看。她問我她是否能看到我的憂傷，我不曉得，我不想讓她看到。因為所有看過我憂傷的人都離我遠去，剩下我一個人。
I have various of persona, like my brain has a control button of each personality indicator, it will switch each value for matching the right persona. Every morning, i will overview the character who i’m going to be and suit up for that.
I think this everyday routine started when i was a child, and it confuses me ever since then. There’s a huge fight with a close friend of my happened back in age 13, it took place because I was deeply hurt by my roles in our relationship. I remember after that fight, we couldn’t be intimated as we used to be, and I cried about it. I told my mom that I have a lots of mask and I will put on them depends on different circumstance. However it made me trouble for revealing my truly identity, I had no idea who am I beneath the mask.
After all these years, I finally stop asking myself the ultimate “ who am I” question. Finally accepting that I have different persona and they are all part of me and figuring out the theory of social boundary. As long as each persona has strict boundary apart them from meeting each other, I will be fine transforming myself to vary different person.
Therefore, my colleagues are not allowed to be my friend, they can be work friend as their best, my friend will never work with me either.
Every friends is been categorized by how well we know each others. Start by acquaintance, whom I will treat with endless humor, great understanding and every charming characters, next to be normal friend, who will gain my loyalty, cares and witness my wildness. The last is family and deeply bonded friend, they will see my sorrows, my downsides and the aloneness behind.
I hate when two personal meets up, I cannot straight out the situation and it will swirling myself into chaos. Just like today, one of my colleague asked me about how I felt about my mother’s death. She said “would you feel nowhere to go when she passed?” with sincerely attitude. I was folding plastic bags into little triangle form when she dropped this question, that sudden, time seemed to throw back to my 16th, the month after my mother passed away because of severe breast cancer. Her words and my movement, which I learnt at that time, reminded me the lonely little girl who was too overwhelmed to think anything pessimistic.
I couldn’t answer her with my roles in sorrow, either responded happily as my usual persona in workplace. Her question wasn’t belong to her currant status, it also got her passing the boundary between work and private, which I was not allowed. So I answered “I was too busy to think of it…… it happened when I finish my college degree, therefore I started travel.”
It’s a answer between two very different persona, I can tell she knows by my awkward attitude, but she couldn’t get my correct answer, because it was way far passing the boundary I drawn for her and there’s too many badness ahead. I’m afraid losing her as a good colleague, or even as a work friend once she known my darkness, because base on the experience, everyone who had passed that boundary left me for good.
After the incident, I wrote down this article and sent to one of my close friend. She also asked me if she’s allow to touch my sorrow, however I couldn’t give her any positive respond. Deeply inside, I don’t believe anyone can stand by my side forever, those who had seen my weakness are no longer here with me, only myself standing here, alone.
Yee’s 
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