Yee’s

我知道此生最討厭的動物是什麼了，海鷗，沒有之一。他們就是一群狼心狗肺又低級的黑幫，吃我的漢堡還拉屎在我電腦上，洋洋得意且毫無「歐」性，阿不就好家在沒拉到我頭上？

整件事情是這樣發生的。

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2018年的某一天下午，我在雪梨歌劇院旁邊的餐廳點了一份漢堡，想要好好享受個海風跟寫個久違的網誌。我覺得這裡有一個很奇異的現象，每桌都有一份類似中餐蚊罩的東西，不曉得是要防誰。

漢堡很快就端上來了，我卻感受到旁邊無端有個銳利的眼神注視我的方向。是一隻海鷗，一隻不大不小的海鷗緊緊盯著我（我想應該是我的漢堡，但當下我覺得他在盯著我），我心裡想、眼神也給那隻海鷗一個：「你看屁看！」的不屑眼神，然後開始享用美味的漢堡，但一個猝不及防的瞬間，約莫10多隻海鷗一起衝上我的餐桌。

我失聲尖叫，以為海鷗因為我的輕蔑眼神決定要攜家帶眷來丁勾支。但很快地發現這些會飛的傢伙只想搶走我的漢堡、推翻我的薯條。旁邊的顧客、侍者很快地前來協助趕走海鷗，這些傢伙一看對方陣頭多了人就齊刷刷的散了。

侍者對我表達歉意，願意再為我做一份全新的漢堡套餐，但我已經被嚇得胃口全無，只請他再做一份薯條即可。我也順勢換了一個前後都有人的座位，至少不是單兵行動。在此同時我受到了各種注目禮，有人說我很可愛，有人說你應該沒有享受這份餐點吧，有人就是一直打量我。我當下覺得又羞又憤，真的是看屁看，沒看過被攻擊的人類嗎？

後來附近的人們都吃完離開，我意識到自己即將成為海鷗們的唯一目標，並且獲得了一個海鷗嚎叫警告後果斷選擇打包吃不完的薯條坐到了外頭。塞在一群人裡頭我想我不再顯眼，應該、大概厄運可以到此結束。

只可惜這一切都是我的幻想。

不到半個小時，屎！從！天！降！不知道是哪隻海鷗忍不住想拉屎剛好拉在我的這裡，還是前面被瞪的海鷗憤怒難忍，不到半小時的時間，就在我文思泉湧的時刻，突然有鳥屎直接噴到我的電腦上，精準無比。那個當下真的非常非常絕望，我先被攻擊食物，再被排泄物攻擊，而且我還是那裡唯一的亞洲人，這不是惡劣的種族歧視鳥什麼不是惡劣的種族歧視鳥！

我無言的對隔壁的小帥哥笑了一笑，善意提醒他注意自身安全，然後走回剛剛的餐廳，向藍眼睛經理說明了我再次被攻擊的故事，獲得了他的一個可愛的wink，以及一大包的衛生紙協助清理電腦。

我最終沒有在那裡寫完我的文章，剩下的薯條也沒吃，通通給了路邊的遊民，我已經沒有胃口，不如給一些需要的人。

之類的。

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The most hated creature in my life is no doubt seagull, I’ve been so certain since 2018, a day that I was attacked by a flock of seagulls aside the gorgeous Sydney Opera House. They came without dignity, they were notorious, brutal and provocative. The were gangsters with wings. I lost my food and my computer was poured by their feces that day.

Here is what happened that day.

It was a beautiful afternoon that day, I ordered a set of burger in a restaurant aside Sydney Opera House, going to enjoy the breeze and write something. I noticed quick that there’s something particular here, I saw there’s plastic cover on each table for food, not knowing what were they protected from.

As soon as my burger was served, there was a sharp glimpse out of no where. Later on I found out it was from a seagull right beside me. I thought and I did give it a look as “stop peeping, mind our own business!” and started enjoying my hamburger. However, out of suddenness, there were about a dozen of seagulls fling toward my table.

I screamed like witness a crime scene, thinking they came after me because of my previous provocative action. I thought they’re targeting me however they’re actually taking my burgers and fries. Other customer and waiter came right after to help so those birds flied away.

After the raid, the waiter expressed his sorry and was welling to make another set of meal. I thanked for his kindness but only ordered fries again. I had no appetite after all.

The seating was also changed, I switch to a table surrounded by customers, as least I was protected by “other food”. At the meanwhile, people started chatting with me about the incident before, said something as “you’re cute”, others were kept peeping at me. It was really an embarrassing moment which I was kind of witch on the stick.

Those table around me was getting cleaned one by one, once I realized I was going to be the only target and confirmed by a warning cry from a nearby seagull, I immediately packed the rest of my fries and ran away. Such as coward, I was like 10 times bigger than those stupid birds!

I walked out, picked an empty spot by the ground, felt relief by getting away from the nightmare. But sadly it was only my imagination.

I was attacked again within half an hour. There’s bird feces splashed right on my computer, only an inch away my laps. I didn’t know it was an independent incident or it was a revenge from the previous failed attempt. I felt truly desperate, my food was taken first and my laptop was covered with ugly poops later. By the way I was the only Asian there, those birds were not only gangsters but even worse, they were racists.

I smiled at the cute boy sitting beside me, reminding him of being attention around then brought my laptop to ask help by the restaurant I went 30 minutes ago. The manager with blue eyes gave me tissues and an understanding eyes after I explain the second raid.

I ended up not finishing any article, nor my fries. I gave my fries to a homeless.

What a day.